Aneladee wanted me to post this, so here ya go...
Understanding, Light and Love.
By: Joslyn Hatch
Dedicated to Christopher Steven
It has been a little less than a year since the last time we spoke. Sometimes I look back, and I miss you. Sometimes I look back, and I wish that we were still friends. But then I remember the manipulation, anger, and twisted conversations and it reminds me why it is the way it is. I remind myself why I did what I did. Why I had to let go of you.
I think I should feel bitterness but strangely I don’t. I have a right to and many people say that I should be bitter. Yet I am not. Truthfully, I am still too fond of you and there is always a prayer inside my heart for you. Now that I know what real love is I feel I can love you more; hold grudges less and forgive you.
God taught me about real love. He let me feel it and that is how He prepared me to let you go. It made it easier to say goodbye. I felt it so strongly more then I have ever felt it in my life just days before I said goodbye to you. I can never let go of that feeling. It is power. It is strength. It is the only real thing on the earth. It prepared me to forgive you all of your offenses towards me. I received strength. I knew I could let you go just by just taking one step at a time.
It was difficult for me to understand how you could make me feel like the most beautiful person on the world in one minute and in the next make me feel like the lowliest, impure, muddy piece of dirt. Yet, I do feel as though I can finally let go of the negative things you made me feel, and hold onto the beautiful peaceful ones. I feel I can be washed free from the dirt, and forgive you.
You I opened my eyes to pain. The pain of a lost, directionless soul. Yet I saw the light, the brilliance inside of you. But I don’t think you did. You had a hard and lonely life. Many unbelievable things happened to you that caused pain and unhappiness. You had fears. Many fears, and you took those fears, and turned them into anger and hatred in an attempt to try to block out pain. I understood you more then you probably thought I did because I had made many similar choices and felt the shame of it. The walls of protection that you built only kept you in and everyone else out; which is not healthy for relationships.
In the short time I was in your life I learned to I adore you. I’m not sure why, but I felt drawn to you. I don’t think it was because you were funny, I don’t think it was because of the way you made me feel. I think that I wanted to help you. I could see the pain you hid inside yourself, and I wanted so badly to heal that. I wanted to make you happy; to help you realize that life is beautiful.
For a while, I think it worked. We were both happy, helping each other along the way. You helped me realize and fix some of my insecurities; while I tried to help you see that God is so very real, and he would not just leave you alone. I’m not sure how much of what I tried to share with you actually made it through and made sense to you. Sadly, the happiness we gained from helping and encouraging each other quickly ended when old fears and memories of pain returned. You blocked me out. You did the complete opposite as you had done before. Instead of trying to help me realize that I was a beautiful great person you pulled me down, and pointed out every fault that I had inside myself. At first I couldn’t understand, I felt hurt, and low. I tried so hard to help you and try to make you see otherwise. Nothing I did ever seemed to help you. After months and months of the same patterns I finally saw the light, the truth, the reasoning. And what brought me this change, beauty and strength into my life was a camp called Youth For Freedom or YFF.
It was there that I learned, there that I became overwhelmed with the love and faith that people who I had never even met before gave me. It amazed me how short of I time I could know someone and yet develop such a strong love for that person. I didn’t even need to speak to them, all I needed to do was look at them, watch them, even from a distant, and I could feel an overwhelming love sweep over me. I could see light behind their eyes, I could see a soul, but most of all I could see that they were a child of a king, A child of God. It was the first time that I actually felt and recognized the pure love of Christ. I was surrounded by love, light, and truth. I felt that with this new found love no one could stop me. I was filled with an overwhelming joy. I knew who I was. I was a daughter of God, and nothing less. Only one other time in my life have I felt that overwhelming love and Joy from my father in heaven, and that was the day that I received my own patriarchal blessing.
I learned many valuable lessons at YFF, and I was sad to leave. Maybe even a little bit fearful that I would lose everything I had learned and felt there… but I was given peace and reassurance that I could go home. I was ready. I now was ready to be strong, and live up to my greatness, and the light that I had inside of me.
I promised you before I left that I would call you when I got home. But when I finally did arrive home late at night and I thought of calling you… a sick feeling over came me and sat right in my stomach. I wasn’t sure what to think of it. All I knew was every time I thought of you that same sick feeling came back to me. I procrastinated that call until later the next night. I called you, and from the moment you picked up the phone the feeling only worsened and I knew that something was wrong. We had only talked for but a few minutes when you suddenly became angry at me over a silly reason. You hung up the phone, just as you always did when you became upset. I knew something else was bothering you, and that you were only taking it out on me. I got online to talk with you over chat in an attempt to find out what was upsetting you so. But it only seemed to anger you even more. You started with your hurtful words, and began throwing them at me once again. But this time it didn’t harm me. This time it didn’t even make a scratch. I understood now. Everything was made clear for me. I realized why you acted the way you did, out of fear. And with that knowledge and the pure love of Christ that I had felt I was finally able to do what needed to be done. I was finally able to truly love you. And in loving you, letting go of you. I could see now, I finally came to the understanding that I could no longer help you. It was only bringing me down, and sucking the life out of me. Now that I knew who I was I couldn’t let that happen anymore. After you had finished with your angry attack, I simply said “I have nothing more I can say to you.” And with those words ended our communication. And this time it was permanent.
Again I felt that peace and love. I prayed for you long after. I still do. I pray that someday maybe you can see as I saw, the light, truth, understanding and love. Yes, things were hard for a long time after that, but I’ve learned to move on, even when it is hard. I’ve learned to forgive, I’ve learned to love, I’ve learned to let go without bitterness and Hatred.
